Year 2014: Less Drama. More Peace.

I like to believe that in the year 2014, not only did I grow a year older, but also a little bit wiser (and apparently, a little less modest).

At the beginning of 2014, I had written a grand entry on how I would not be stretching myself this year, but instead, would chill out because I so needed a break. 

Yeah, OK. So that clearly didn't happen. 

Instead, I took up guitar lessons, I completed shoot for 6 episodes of my sitcom, I wrote a feature film script and a short film script for a friend, on top of the episodes for my sitcom. I exercised 205 days (yes, I still count these things), went on 5 different holidays - the highlight of which was our big fat family trip (together with my parents and in laws) to New Zealand, somehow ended up partying a lot (?!) which is rather weird because I am hardly a "party" person, took up photography a little bit more seriously and generally made my life overflowing with activities on top of work, motherhood, domestic responsibilities and such.  

Still, I feel that I have been through all of it, in a manner different from the previous years. This was probably my most peaceful, calm, contented year till date. Or at least half of the year was so.

It all started when I went back home to Kerala in July for a few days, with the key purpose of visiting a dear cousin who was in town from US, after a long gap of five years.

A few things happened then.

Firstly, I had arrived smack in the middle of the Kerala monsoons. Which, as such, is drop dead gorgeous and can turn any miserable person beaming with appreciation for nature's beauty. But this time, I had the added privilege of enjoying them from our new home which overlooked a serene pond and a row of temples that lined it. I spent a lot of hours just gazing out of my bedroom window, at the rain soaked pond with its water cranes and the temple beyond,  enjoying a cup of tea, lost in the view.

Secondly, I was completely cut off internet and phone. There was no wireless connection and my dad's laptop was connecting to the internet only intermittently. Which was, my God, such a blessing.

Thirdly, I realized how wonderful it is to lose oneself to silence. The temples in Kerala have what's called the "chuttuvilaku" - the rows of oil lamps that line all four walls of the temple. One evening, I found myself lighting up these lamps at the quaint, adorable Pathiyaarkulangara temple on the outskirts of my city. The small temple sat on the edge of a sprawling farm, away from crowds and traffic, immersed in silence and when I visited, drenched in rain. 

There were hundreds of lamps on the chuttuvilakku and I moved from one to another - filling them with oil, dropping in the wicks and lighting them up with a blazing torch. It took me and a couple of other ladies more than an hour to complete this exercise and it was probably one of the best hours spent ever. There was the blissful silence broken only by the drizzle of the rain and the occassional bird that flew past, and the therapeutic exercise of lighting one little lamp at a time. I felt so much at peace. Everything felt so right then.

Back in Singapore, I began to create these moments of silence for myself. I started to meditate. Not too frequently, unfortunately, but at least I have started and I feel good about that. I have taken up more yoga than before - not Bikram Yoga that I was practicing earlier but Ashtanga Yoga that also focuses on breath and sight. I feel like it is moving meditation and 50% of the 205 days of exercise mentioned above was spent on yoga. I attended a Kriya Yoga class and have just begun to practise those techniques of meditation.

I leave my phone behind at home, when I am out for dinner with the hubby. I leave my phone in a different room when I am with my daughter. I try to reduce TV time, internet time, phone time and instead, try to have dedicated time for the little one. In other words, I consciously am trying to remove the noise and be more mindful of what I am doing.

At this point in time, you may be going... OK madam, that is way too much wisdom, but how did it all help?

Well, for starters. I am far healthier this year than last year. This information is factually based on my annual medical check up results. Those horrendous cholesterol levels from last year are well under control! My diet hadn't changed - so I would like to attribute it to everything else including the yoga. So that's good.

Next, I have completely made my peace with being a mother. In fact, I am really enjoying it now. A lot of the blog posts from 2013 were in the camp of "holy-freaking-God-I-am-a-mother!". I don't feel that way any more. I find it truly fascinating to watch the little one grow. Maybe because she is picking up language skills right now and can be a real hoot when it comes to communication, or because she just loves dramatics, and I am already making plans to cast her in future movies. Whatever maybe the reason, I am able to set motherhood related thoughts and palpitations aside and simply watch and play with her for hours. I enjoy our (phoneless) activities a lot - shopping for accessories together, painting together, making a photo wall together, playing with stickers together, acting together and what not.  I don't stress out any more about being a good/bad mother.

In fact, I don't stress about many of the things I used to any more. Maybe stress isn't the right word. Maybe it is fear? I try not to scare myself by thinking too much about what could go wrong and worry about it. Sitcom shoots not on track? Pressure at work? Too ambitious a film project in the pipeline? I try not to imagine the negative consequences and lose sleep over it which, by the way, I used to do a lot previously.

Just as well, because recently I happened to come across an email I wrote the hubby a few years ago, when he was travelling abroad on work and I was still in Singapore. The email, without going into details, was full of how my life sucks. So much so that, according to the email, I went and pierced my nose and dyed my hair with streaks of red, as a form of rebellion. It was evident that it was something related to my work but I have no idea today what that was! Whatever it was had gotten me super frustrated, but today I can't even vaguely remember what on earth it was!

Lesson learnt - Less Drama. More Peace.

So what next?

Well, this is just the beginning. I might have sounded like I am close to attaining nirvana from the above, but the truth couldn't be farther. I still have many moments when I feel like screaming (and sometimes I do scream) or at a minimum wanting to rip off the head of the person annoying me but I am trying to get away from such violent thoughts. I need to go a long way, and I mean a really, really long way before I can get to the discipline needed for regular practice of meditation, yoga, more mindfulness and less drama in my life. It is going to require a lot of patience and effort.

And it is going to be critical because 2015 promises to be a one of a kind year for me.

I don't have a resolution to chill out this year. In fact, it is going to be quite the opposite. I am planning a series of things that I have been wanting to do for the longest time.

This also means that I will be more regular with the blog for the next few months, because I do not want miss out on capturing these experiences that promises to be bumpy but beautiful.  More details on that coming up soon.

Have a beautiful 2015!

P.S. I just discovered a post from 2013 titled "Older & Wiser" where I am freaking out about health and motherhood. Fascinating read. Thankfully, things are at a much better place now.

Day 6: The Priority Exercise!

When I went for my Yoga class last Friday, I took some time to read the articles that were pinned on the notice board there. Most of them focused on the New Year and how people make resolutions and what needs to be done to actually stick to the resolutions, etc. One article in particular caught my attention.

It recommended a simple exercise to come up with an inspiring yet actionable list of resolutions. Key to note is that it forces you to prioritize the resolutions so that you don't end up with a laundry list.

Now, I do have a list of resolutions for the year already (but of course). How can the obsessive compulsive list maker in me not have one already. But I do feel that its not really an optimal one. Sometimes I feel that I am not maximizing my capacity with this list, sometimes I feel that anything more would be unrealistic, sometimes I struggle to break down what I need to achieve between the short and the long term.

So yes, this article was fascinating for me. I read it with much interest and then..... completely forgot about it.

Until today.

Today, when I caught myself with  some free time, I decided to go through the recommended exercise from the article and see what comes off it.

And lo behold!

After quite a bit of back and forth, after some major contemplation on the various options and their pros and cons, I got a prioritized list of things to do for the year. To be honest, some of them were hard choices to make. For e.g. Do I actually shoot a film or do I just focus on scripts? Do I get back to work as fast as possible or do I spend some more time exclusively with the little one? Do I pick up my astrology lessons once again or do I only focus on the yoga? Etc . Etc.

And I think I have a rough idea where I want to be. I won't say I have completely cracked it all, but I do seem to have made some progress.

So yes, the priority exercise helped. I am a little clearer and less confused and that's always welcome! 

Day 1: New Year Lesson Learnt!

For the past one week or so I had been planning to make the New Year's day rather happening. The belief, as expected, was that if the New Year's day ends up being happening, so will the rest of the year. And by "happening" I mean packed with activities and productivity.

And then the New Year's Day came. 

And I did nothing but sleep until about 2pm. Reason - the little madam decided to be up the whole night with unprecedented enthusiasm, probably in the spirit of the new year. So it was only in the morning that I managed to get those much needed hours of sleep. 

When I finally woke up, I felt miserable. This was not how I meant to spend the morning today. I had planned so many things and the morning was already gone. 

So I immersed myself in some first class mopping. 

The background to this mopping is that these days, it's a constant point of concern for me whether I would be able to do all that I used to - e.g. work, exercise, films, dance etc., in spite of the little one being around. I tell myself that I am determined to continue with all it and make the little one a part of the activities vs. giving up on everything because she is around. But obviously, it's harder than one would think. Getting the schedule working in itself is an uphill task, let alone the energy to do stuff. But one gotta try.  

So back to today.... I made a drama with the hubby about how every other year I would have done SO MANY things on New Year's day but this year, everything's gone for a toss and how this is an indication of how my life has changed forever and I wont be able to do anything for the rest of the year. Etc. etc. etc. It was quite dramatic. 

Then to prove my point, with great pomp and show, I whipped out the blog posts from past New Year's days that my 1000-day blog had covered. 

And then I realized all that drama was highly misplaced. 

On January 1, 2012, my main activity was relaxing at home. 

On January 1, 2011, my main activity was a visit to Marina Bay Sands and walking around there. 

On January 1, 2010, I woke up at NOON! 

In other words, I had never really packed things into a New Year's day but have had pretty good years in terms of productivity, in spite of that.  

There you go. 

Several lessons learnt such as...

1) New Year's day isn't the end of it all. 

2) It's OK to relax. 

3) Stop being a drama queen. 

Post this revelation, spirits were lifted up rather high. The rest of the day went in happily spending time with mom, hubby and little one. Walked around Raffles City looking at the last of the season's sales, had a good dinner at Shahi Maharani, took a short night walk with the hubby, played with the little one, forced my singing skills on her which she seemed to appreciate with a wide a smile and by the end of day, felt thankful, contented and happy. 

It was a good New Year's day indeed. Looking forward to the rest of the year!